Renewal

After writing on my blog yesterday...I had a great day.  I felt good...felt encouraged.  After we picked Addison up from school we picked up lunch and headed to the park to enjoy the nice Fall day.  Wes was able to meet us there and brought me and him some "real" lunch from Wok Box.  It was so amazing to be outside in the fresh air with few people around and enjoying the sun and the kids laughter.  I had a hard time doing anything "extra" before....we have kinda been doing the same thing for weeks...very routine not thinking I could "handle" any more.  I sat on the bench talking to Wes as the kids played and I commented "no wonder I thought my life was so dull before....we have been doing the same thing for weeks now."   Phil 4:13 states "I can do all things through him who gives me strength."  Yes indeed I can!!  Today I experienced that.  I would say that the rest of my day went good...I had patience...I was kind and loving and I saw my children through thankful eyes.

Last night as Wes and I watched "Heros" we exchanged a little love gaze and he said "I love seeing you smile."  That said it all.  For a woman who was searching to get her smile back and then he saw it in a genuine moment....wowie!  That was a fast renewal God....thank you!  I stand in awe....

So today I said I would get up and read His word.  Did I?  Nope...I pushed snooze on the alarm twice then hustled my butt to get ready and everyone else ready for the day.  But...in my quiet time (doing my hair and make up following my shower) I heard from God.  He told me an answer to my most ashamed question I have asked as of yet....why would you bless us with 4 children?  I have been wondering how I am supposed to handle it...and not just "get by" but "do it well."  He answered me and said that if He gave us any less children that I would not need Him.  He wants to be needed.  He wants us to tie into Him everyday and feed us daily.  "Give us this day our daily bread."  And think about the manna...He only gave them enough to eat for 1 day but was true on following through with what He promised...that it would be there for them EVERYDAY.  Again....wowie!  Thank you Lord for speaking to me today...so quickly with a response to a question I was embarrassed and ashamed to ask You.  I get it now Lord...I hear you loud and clear and I am on it!

Waiting, wanting and needing more of You and less of me.

Strength for the Weary

I have not been a very good blogger the last few months have I?  I remember one of my main goals of starting a blog was to write about my spiritual life in the hopes that someone somewhere would know they were not alone in their own walk of faith,  and I have been neglecting that.  I also wanted to share my family with you and I love sharing photos and find this format a great way for lots of family and friends to see my family rather then sending out emails.  But really I need to get back to matters of my heart....it helps me....maybe it helps you?

And lately my heart is weary.  As I wrote about in my last blog post, our family has definitely been going through a season of change.  And 1.5 months in I should be good and adjusted by now but I don't feel any better then I did at the beginning of September....maybe I even feel a bit worse.  I feel tired a lot of the time, I feel irritable with many things like lots of noise, lots of stimulation, kids talking to me at the same time, expectations not being met, feeling like I am doing this life alone, feeling like I give give give....feeling selfish....wanting quiet....wanting to be alone....wanting to sleep....and shockingly questioning God on why he blessed me with 4 children (I feel awful even admitting that).  All of those things I listed are matters of the flesh and I see that now....

I am reading 2 books right now..."Feminine Appeal" by Carolyn Mahaney (Seven virtues of a Godly Wife and Mother) and "Am I Messing Up my Kids?" by Lysa TerKuest.  As you may know I usually do my reading in the evenings before bed.  So Monday night I read Psalm 100 and was full of praise and ready to make a joyful shout to the Lord.  Yesterday I woke up and felt refreshed and encouraged as I was going to "joyfully serve my family" and it ended up being one of the worst days I can remember in terms of things going wrong.  I had to ask Wes to help me in the afternoon and I felt so defeated.  In no way, shape or form had I served my family joyfully and it was only 1:30 in the afternoon.  My thoughts: am I under attack because I want to be the woman God wants me to be...fight through Shauna...fight through!!  But I see that at the end of the day....when all is calm and quiet.  I did not fight through when I needed to....

So last night Wes and I chatted.  He has been encouraging me to exercise saying this will get me having more energy and feeling better (and probably even losing the last 15 or 20 lbs I have put on over the last few months...he didn't say that...I did).  And yes this is something I would like to do, but can't get motivated to get there and do it.  I feel like there is only so many things I can handle in a day and feel overwhelmed easily.  Is this my personality/character in being a mom with 4 children or is this my depression?  Things I ponder...

So in my reading last night I open the page and the heading is "Strength for the Weary" and the tears start to stream down my face.  I have lost my smile....I need to be renewed to joyfully and sacrificially serve and tenderly love my family.  And the paragraph says "Our only genuine source of refreshment comes from God."    I need to take time to meet with God just as Jesus modeled for us Himself.  In Luke 5 we read that people were flocking to Him with their needs:  "Crowds of people came to hear him and to be healed of their sicknesses.  But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed"  (NIV vv.15-16).  Doesn't this sound like motherhood?  Everyone coming to Mom to get their needs met?  Now if Jesus needed to withdraw and pray, I must need the same.  I need His help and His strength to be the best Mom and wife I can be...all that He wants me to be....

In some ways I feel like I have said this all before...why does it keep coming around?  Ugh!  Because the  battle is continual I think...until the day we leave this earth and unite with our Heavenly Father we must fight on.  And the more "alone" I make myself...the more alone I feel and I am not built that way.  I am built to be encouraged and to be an encourager....to be fed and to do the feeding....to praise and to give glory to the Lord God Almighty....to give and receive tender love...to do this life along  with others who walk the same path I do.  So tomorrow morning I am going to spiritually dress myself in the morning...wake up a bit earlier and read His word and put on my armour so I will be ready.  I will let you know how it goes....fight on sisters....fight on!

God, I come to you weary and weak.  I want to be all that you want me to be and leave an amazing heritage for our children.  I want to be a wife of noble character to this man that I walk daily with in this life.  I want to be an encouraging and giving friend, sister and daughter.  You have said "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness."  (2 Cor 12:9)  Well Lord, I am weak...weak and needing You.  Thank you Lord for your continual supply of grace and strength.  AMEN